“I don’t know who the hell he thinks he is” said O’Scanlon in a furious tirade sparked by Golden’s failure to even mention O’Scanlon in a release about young Monmouth County Republican leaders “but I’m not taking this from this whippersnapper!”
Monmouth County Chairman Golden put out a release touting the new crop of young, dynamic (and outstanding) leaders put forward this year by the Monmouth County Republican organization – without even mentioning O’Scanlon. The furious, scathing – sometimes incoherent – reaction from O’Scanlon could be heard all the way to Freehold.
“I have been the quintessential Monmouth County Young Republican for decades!!!!” Said O’Scanlon “If Golden thinks he can strip me of that moniker simply because I’m getting old he has another thing coming!!”
O’Scanlon threatened to take his fury to the next level “I’m going to sue the diapers off of him! For Golden to suggest one can’t be young, simply because he is old – is blatant age discrimination! I won’t tolerate it!”
Assemblyman Declan O’Scanlon (R-13) announced legislation he has filed (A4298) which will require all higher education institutions and related research facilities to offer dogs and cats – used for educational, research, or scientific purposes – to animal rescue organizations.
“As the owner of both a dog and cat, I can’t imagine that at least some of these great animals won’t be able to find a loving home. Every effort should be made to allow these pets to be adopted – not euthanized after having research conducted on them” said O’Scanlon.
Under the bill, an institution or facility that is required to offer cats or dogs for adoption through an animal rescue organization may enter into an agreement with the rescue organization to meet this requirement on an ongoing basis. This bill has been inspired by successful similar efforts in other States by the Beagle Freedom Project – an organization dedicated to saving dogs and cats from being euthanized after research conducted on them has ended.
O’SCANLON TO INTRODUCE LEGISLATION BANNING COUNCIL MEMBERS AND LOCAL AGENCY COMMISSIONERS FROM USING TAKE-HOME TOWN OR AGENCY OWNED VEHICLES
Assemblyman Declan O’Scanlon (R-13) announced he will be introducing legislation banning the practice of municipalities and their local agencies and commissions from issuing city-owned take-home vehicles to council members and commissioners. This legislation comes after reported stories on a Jersey City Council member and non-paid Incinerator Authority commissioner was in an accident and charged with DWI while driving a city-owned vehicle.
“Chalk this up as another piece of legislation I can’t believe actually must be introduced. After Mayor Fulop made headlines taking away city-owned take-home vehicles for the employees themselves, somewhere in the process, council members and commissioners were left alone. I suppose we should give the Mayor an A on policy and an F on enforcement. Too many local officials treat publicly owned vehicles as their own personal assets. No part time elected officials should be using publicly owned vehicles – ever. The excuse that “my personal car had car troubles” cited in the news reports is the kind of attitude that too many local officials take. My answer to that that they should do what their constituents would do – get a ride or borrow a car or rent a car! This type of arrogant attitude and reckless behavior damages the credibility of all elected officials – most of whom would find the actions of this councilman abhorrent.” Said O’Scanlon.
Carnac O’Scanlon uses psychic powers to intercept red light camera company plans! Foils plot once again!
Assemblyman Declan O’Scanlon foiled camera company plans to resurrect the New Jersey red light camera program by preemptively releasing the details of soon-to-be-released phony camera company data suggesting that red light running and accidents significantly spiked after the cameras lost their ability to issue tickets. “This is standard operating procedure by the camera companies” said O’Scanlon. “Wherever they’re given the boot they leave their equipment in place and claim that they have continued their careful monitoring of our behavior and – being the crazed, suicidal idiots we are – we have gone positively insane since the equipment lost its ability to punish us. The deceitful tactic was well documented in California. Here is a link to that story: http://www.thenewspaper.com/news/40/4078.asp”
O’Scanlon used his uncanny ability to read minds to intercept one, very brief, psychic security breach from the camera company offices. This was the intended headline of the intercepted camera company release: “RED LIGHT RUNNING AND ACCIDENTS SKYROCKET AFTER CAMERA TICKET SHUTDOWN – SERIOUSLY, IT IS TOTAL CARNAGE OUT THERE! GET IN YOUR HOUSE AND TURN THE LIGHTS OUT – AND REMAIN TOTALLY QUIET AND IMPERCEPTIBLY STILL!”. And this quote from the release: “the people of New Jersey need us desperately. Without our monitoring of their every move they lose control. They can’t help it. They have an uncontrollable urge to kill themselves and each other that, thank God, can be quashed with $85 fines. We – the camera companies – are the only thing standing between them and total, homicidal chaos!” Said a camera company executive, “We don’t even really want the money. We only take it from them to increase the effectiveness of the program. We donate everything to a pie making grandmother in Vermont so she can make pies for the poor. Her apple crumb is incredible by the way.”
When interviewed, a camera company executive with intimate knowledge of the camera company initiative – and the leak – spoke on the condition that his name not be released. “That damned O’Scanlon! He beat us to the punch again….the guy is relentless” said the source. He went on to describe the circumstances of the leak “we know when the leak occurred. We knew O’Scanlon would be listening so we really had the plan under the tightest security. Only a very few people were dialed in and every one of us was required to wear double-layered tinfoil hats to shield our thoughts. But last Thursday what we now call “the incident” happened. We were all gathered around the conference table for lunch. Territo had his usual liverwurst on toasted rye with mustard, mayo and sriracha – no crusts. He went to put some freshly ground pepper on the sandwich and – at just that moment – the ventilation system came on and some of the pepper wafted right into the nose of Gertrude Svensen – Deputy Vice President of Misinformation – and then it happened. She went into a full scale sneezing frenzy. I mean uncontrollable, all-body sneezes. We now call them “sneezures” in the office. Get it? Anyway, we were all stunned when her tinfoil hat flew off! We leapt into action trying to get it back on as quickly as possible but it was no use, she was sneezing so violently there was no way. After about 30 seconds we all knew what had to be done if we had any hope of stopping O’Scanlon from reading her thoughts. Even Gertrude, who said in between her explosive sneezes “do it Charlie, just do it, for the company”. Territo leapt in and tore her head clean off with his bare hands. Apparently he didn’t move quickly enough. O’Scanlon had apparently already read her mind. It was something to see though let me tell you…blood everywhere. Lunch was totally ruined. But Territo never strays from the mission. Still holding her head in his hands he says “now we can LEGITIMATELY claim that the end of the camera program caused a death. Put that in the release – we don’t have to say it wasn’t actually at an intersection.”
“This took real discipline” said O’Scanlon, “I had to wear my psychic-thought-interceptor turban constantly. I mostly kept listening in the direction of Arizona – where the camera company offices are based. But I couldn’t help pick up on some other stuff. Jon Bramnick is a closet Barry Manilow fan and Lou Greenwald has always wanted to be a trapeze artist! Who knew!?! And I really want to know who this guy “Bob” is that my wife is always thinking about. But for now I’m happy to have foiled another camera company mis-information plot! They will likely still try some form of this deception – elected officials and the public shouldn’t fall for it” concluded O’Scanlon who also says he’s going to take some time off from the turban “it makes my head itch!”
Assemblyman Declan O’Scanlon (R-13) offered the following statement in response to the Oceanport Borough Council’s resolution expressing desire for a casino located in Monmouth Park:
“I agree with our local elected officials in Oceanport. It is my hope that any discussions for casino gaming expansion in New Jersey include Monmouth Park as a site. Monmouth Park has been a cornerstone of the gaming industry in New Jersey with its legendary horse-racing track, and with a casino on site, it is my hope that Oceanport, the New Jersey horse racing industry, and the State as a whole will benefit. With casinos opening in all other states, the State should not overlook a site that already exists in a community that is clamoring for the benefits casino gaming will bring.”
Assemblyman Declan O’Scanlon (R-13) announced he will be introducing legislation to recognize the rights of parents who have conceived children via in-home artificial insemination. The legislation comes on the heels of stories published in New Jersey newspapers regarding a couple whose contract with their sperm donor explicitly gave up parental rights – but that contract was not recognized in court as New Jersey law only recognizes artificial inseminations conducted in a physician’s office.
“New Jersey’s laws should advance and progress with the times in which we live. As more and more parents are taking advantage of artificial insemination, where the procedure was conducted should have no bearing on the rights of the parents raising the child. Once the contract is signed by the donor, and that individual gives up parental rights to be a donor, that should be the final word. I look forward to legislation being given a swift hearing so other parents in the state do not have to go through lengthy custody and parental rights battles, and the anguish that goes along with such proceedings. It’s not fair to the parents who acted in good faith, it’s not fair to the children caught in the middle.”