Carnac O’Scanlon uses psychic powers to intercept red light camera company plans! Foils plot once again!

Assemblyman Declan O’Scanlon foiled camera company plans to resurrect the New Jersey red light camera program by preemptively releasing the details of soon-to-be-released phony camera company data suggesting that red light running and accidents significantly spiked after the cameras lost their ability to issue tickets. “This is standard operating procedure by the camera companies” said O’Scanlon. “Wherever they’re given the boot they leave their equipment in place and claim that they have continued their careful monitoring of our behavior and – being the crazed, suicidal idiots we are – we have gone positively insane since the equipment lost its ability to punish us. The deceitful tactic was well documented in California. Here is a link to that story:”

O’Scanlon used his uncanny ability to read minds to intercept one, very brief, psychic security breach from the camera company offices. This was the intended headline of the intercepted camera company release: “RED LIGHT RUNNING AND ACCIDENTS SKYROCKET AFTER CAMERA TICKET SHUTDOWN – SERIOUSLY, IT IS TOTAL CARNAGE OUT THERE! GET IN YOUR HOUSE AND TURN THE LIGHTS OUT – AND REMAIN TOTALLY QUIET AND IMPERCEPTIBLY STILL!”. And this quote from the release: “the people of New Jersey need us desperately. Without our monitoring of their every move they lose control. They can’t help it. They have an uncontrollable urge to kill themselves and each other that, thank God, can be quashed with $85 fines. We – the camera companies – are the only thing standing between them and total, homicidal chaos!” Said a camera company executive, “We don’t even really want the money. We only take it from them to increase the effectiveness of the program. We donate everything to a pie making grandmother in Vermont so she can make pies for the poor. Her apple crumb is incredible by the way.”

When interviewed, a camera company executive with intimate knowledge of the camera company initiative – and the leak – spoke on the condition that his name not be released. “That damned O’Scanlon! He beat us to the punch again….the guy is relentless” said the source. He went on to describe the circumstances of the leak “we know when the leak occurred. We knew O’Scanlon would be listening so we really had the plan under the tightest security. Only a very few people were dialed in and every one of us was required to wear double-layered tinfoil hats to shield our thoughts. But last Thursday what we now call “the incident” happened. We were all gathered around the conference table for lunch. Territo had his usual liverwurst on toasted rye with mustard, mayo and sriracha – no crusts. He went to put some freshly ground pepper on the sandwich and – at just that moment – the ventilation system came on and some of the pepper wafted right into the nose of Gertrude Svensen – Deputy Vice President of Misinformation – and then it happened. She went into a full scale sneezing frenzy. I mean uncontrollable, all-body sneezes. We now call them “sneezures” in the office. Get it? Anyway, we were all stunned when her tinfoil hat flew off! We leapt into action trying to get it back on as quickly as possible but it was no use, she was sneezing so violently there was no way. After about 30 seconds we all knew what had to be done if we had any hope of stopping O’Scanlon from reading her thoughts. Even Gertrude, who said in between her explosive sneezes “do it Charlie, just do it, for the company”. Territo leapt in and tore her head clean off with his bare hands. Apparently he didn’t move quickly enough. O’Scanlon had apparently already read her mind. It was something to see though let me tell you…blood everywhere. Lunch was totally ruined. But Territo never strays from the mission. Still holding her head in his hands he says “now we can LEGITIMATELY claim that the end of the camera program caused a death. Put that in the release – we don’t have to say it wasn’t actually at an intersection.”

“This took real discipline” said O’Scanlon, “I had to wear my psychic-thought-interceptor turban constantly. I mostly kept listening in the direction of Arizona – where the camera company offices are based. But I couldn’t help pick up on some other stuff. Jon Bramnick is a closet Barry Manilow fan and Lou Greenwald has always wanted to be a trapeze artist! Who knew!?! And I really want to know who this guy “Bob” is that my wife is always thinking about. But for now I’m happy to have foiled another camera company mis-information plot! They will likely still try some form of this deception – elected officials and the public shouldn’t fall for it” concluded O’Scanlon who also says he’s going to take some time off from the turban “it makes my head itch!”

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